How To Love A Renaissance Man

So you love a renaissance man?  

Of course you do.

Your renaissance man is smart, talented, interesting, fun, empathetic, as well as legitimately willing and interested to learn about you in every way.  He can fix the drain under the sink, is a great cook, and can take you to the opera and/or ballet and actually enjoy it with you; in fact it was his idea!  He will discuss philosophy and politics with you if you wish, or he might have a deep, in-depth, and actually helpful conversation with you about which native plants will provide the best textural contrast in the raised bed in your front yard... just as soon as he gets home from that hunting trip, that is.  Here's a bonus: he is a great lover (and let's face it; that's a really nice bonus!).

Here is one more thing I have to say to you about loving a renaissance man: God help you.

It should be noted that the very things you love about your renaissance man could likely be your relationship's downfall in the end.  It should also be noted that this is largely not your fault, and has much more to do with the nature of your renaissance man.  But don't worry!  I'm here to help.  All is not lost yet.  I am here to guide you toward a better understanding of your renaissance man in order that you might make some course-corrections before it is too late.

First of all, it would be helpful to reflect on some of the basic defining character traits of the renaissance man in general, because these will become important discussion points as we go forward.  I will put these items in the form of a list, because, well,  lists are easy to read, and dammit, they make for great blogging.

1. Renaissance men are naturally curious and knowledgeable about lots of stuff.  
2. Renaissance men are dedicated to learning about stuff only until they have 'learned enough' about it.
3. Renaissance men are wanderers.
4. Renaissance men really, really, really like to learn new stuff.

OK, so that pretty much boils down a very complicated man into a nice, easy-to-use demi-glace does it not?  We will take each of these points now and expand upon them one by one.


Your renaissance man is naturally knowledgeable and curious.

He is genuinely interested and fascinated with the world.  He has an insatiable kid-like curiosity about things that the average goon you've dated took completely for granted, if he thought of them at all.  In fact, your renaissance man's intelligent curiosity is the kind of thing that led him to become the interesting man that you know and love today.  It is why he can discuss Puccini and Descartes with you, all while installing that new French door you like so much in the hole he just cut in your front wall (it looks great, doesn't it?).

OK, so what's the problem here?  Well, the problem is that your renaissance man might just know everything there is to know about every topic you bring up, or at least it might seem like he thinks that way sometimes.  Certainly he wishes he knew everything, but of course there are lots of things he doesn't know.  For instance, he probably has very little knowledge of women's shoe designers.  Just a guess.  In any case, yes, he just might have a knowledgeable comment on just about every topic you bring up.  He might want to explain to you, in detail, something that is very clear and logical to him, and about which he has some good depth of knowledge, even though you were asking a completely rhetorical question (this is a good Chablis, isn't it?).  In other words, he's a know-it-all.  The problem is, he actually does know it all most of the time.  Obviously, this can be maddening, condescending, and perhaps even a little paternalistic.  Of course, he knows this, which is even more maddening.

So, what to do about this particular problem, which becomes worse and worse the longer you know him?  My best suggestion is to never ask him a question to which you aren't prepared for an in-depth answer.  Also, playfully make fun of him if he's sounding like a professor.  He will of course realize that he's sounding like a professor, and like you all the more for being the girl who can recognize that.  But, here's the best way to counter your renaissance man's know-it-all nature:  know as much or more than he does.  Trust me, this will turn him on to no end (more on this later). Simple, right?


Your renaissance man likes to learn about something only until he has 'learned enough' about it.


To put this another way, your renaissance man gets bored easily.  If something is not engaging his interest with new and exciting ideas often, he will become bored with it and want to move on to something else.  This is what will make your renaissance man come home one day to tell you that he has quit his job after five good years because it just isn't 'doing it' for him anymore, and he'd like to try his hand at sheep-herding (a noble and ancient profession).  This is also what will make your renaissance man drop out of college one semester before graduation because he suddenly realizes 'it's all a sham'.  OK, so that's pretty tough to deal with, but that's not even the worst part yet.  You see, your renaissance man applies the same 'interest meter' to things (i.e. jobs, schooling, hobbies, etc.), as he does to people.

Yes, that includes you, dear.  In other words, your renaissance man will very likely lose interest in you if he feels he has 'learned enough' about you.

I know that sounds harsh, and it probably is, but it remains the truth, nonetheless.  I'm not going to sugar-coat this for you:  you need to remain perpetually interesting to your renaissance man if you want him to continue to be interested in you.  That sounds like an obvious statement, but it is actually going to take some work on your end.  You are not going to stay perpetually interesting by 'just being the girl he fell in love with'.  That will certainly hold him over for a time, but that well is bound to dry up at some point.  Because he is perpetually distracted by and attracted to 'the new', you will constantly have to compete with other things (and people) for your renaissance man's attention, which can be frustrating, isolating, and even hurtful.

There is a solution to this, and it uses your renaissance man's obsession with 'the new' to your advantage.  It is not the easiest solution in the world, but here it is: you will need to change and adapt and become 'new' yourself.  Unfortunately, this implies more than simply changing your hair style/color or being willing to try new 'positions' (although it's certainly worth a shot).  Those things may have worked splendidly on your previous non-renaissance man, who was likely much more concerned about your physical attributes than what interesting things were going on in your head.  But, those superficial alterations will have limited effect on your renaissance man, because he actually is interested in what's going on in your head.

I'm referring here to your fundamental 'you-ness'.  You will need to be perpetually interesting and new to him with your ideas and your passions.  In a sense, you will need to become a 'renaissance woman' to keep your renaissance man's attention.  You will need to try new things and have (your own) multiple and varied interests.  You will have to be the impressively intelligent person who is teaching him about some new and exciting thing you are learning, and that he knows nothing or little about.

Also, and this is important - perhaps even the most important thing you will learn from this post: for God's sake, do not make the fatal flaw of only living vicariously through your renaissance man.  He cannot be your sole interest.  He cannot be your only key to happiness or excitement in this life; you must create your own interests and passions, and by doing so you will become interesting yourself.

Nothing is sexier and/or more interesting to a renaissance man than a confident, complex, well-rounded, and intelligent woman.  Nothing.


Your renaissance man is a wanderer.

This is why he has very impressive stories about the year he spent in Burgundy, learning about all things French, including how to make a near-perfect Pinot Noir.   This is why you were impressed with his story about how he spent three months training in Pakistan before he climbed K2.  The problem is, now that he's met you, you want him to settle down, right?  Maybe buy a house, picket fence, two and a half kids... all that.  OK, well the house and kids might happen, but if you think you're going to get the renaissance man to 'settle down', think again, honey.  It ain't gonna happen.  At least, not for good.

Sure, he might try the 'settle down' thing for a while, just to see how it works.  After all, he's a curious man, and he wants to explore all things, including settling down.  But, there will be a time, maybe five years, maybe ten, it might not be soon, but the day will come when your renaissance man will get bit by the wanderlust bug and need to explore someplace new.  He will need a new quest.  He'll likely want to go somewhere far away, perhaps even another country, far from your friends, far from your family, far from the kids' schools.  His desire to leave this current place will become so strong that if you attempt to force him to stay, he will become miserable and contemptuous, like an animal in a cage.

So, what to do about his wandering spirit.  What to do when he wants you to pack everything up and move to Reykjavik?

Do it.

What do you have to lose?  Your job?  Pshaw!  You'll find another.  Your friends?  You'll meet new friends.  Your kids' schools?  They have schools in Iceland, and besides your kids will learn far more from the travel and the new place than they ever would from the school (and so will you).  Yes, you will miss your family, but that is why they make telephones and airplanes, and besides, now there's Skype (which I have to mention from time to time to keep the blogosphere happy).  Plus, your renaissance man will love you for your adventurous spirit, as long as you don't complain about Iceland the whole time.

What are your alternatives?  Live with a miserable caged animal?  Or, how about: let him go by himself.  I think you know how that would end up.  Remember, the 'wanderer' spirit applies not only to places but to people as well, including you.  If you let your renaissance man wander without you, he will wander with someone else; I can almost guarantee that.


Your renaissance man really likes to learn about new things.

This is really the culmination of the previous three list items.  It is important to remember that this is exactly what made your renaissance man interesting to you in the first place.  He is multi-faceted.  He is intelligent.  He is skilled.  He has learned every part of your body and how it works, and he's still finding new ways to please you.  This is what makes him a great man to be with.  He is never dull.  He is always intriguing.  He is the sexiest, most interesting man in the World.  Yes, it is true that you will have to work to keep his attention.  You will need to become an interesting and multi-faceted woman to hold his interest long-term.  Perhaps you already are.  Perhaps that is why he is still with you.  Perhaps you've already followed him on his adventures.  Perhaps you've had him follow you on yours.  Maybe you are perfect for each other.

Just remember this: don't ever try to force your renaissance man into the box of the boring and miserable man that you would not have been interested in loving to begin with.  Don't try to talk him in to keeping that boring job just because you like the paycheck.  Don't try to talk him out of moving to Flagstaff just because you don't know anyone there.  Maybe he doesn't want to plant a garden this year.  He's already done that for five years and he doesn't want to do it anymore.  Don't pressure him to be the same man that he is today or was last year or five years ago.  He will change.  He will grow.  He will be impulsive.  He will require patience.

But, he will be worth it.  He will definitely not be boring.  He will continue to be the sexiest and most interesting man in the World.  And in the end, as in the beginning, that is what you love about him, isn't it?